Leopards never change their spots (haha, and neither will I)

Child attacked by leopard at Kansas zoo

A child on a school outing was attacked by a leopard at a Wichita, Kansas, zoo, authorities said Friday.
Can you imagine the conversation that night over the dinner table?

“So, sweetheart, how was your field trip to the zoo? Did you see anything cool?”
“I saw lions, tigers, and a kid get mauled by a leopard. It was awesome.”

The boy, a student from Linwood Elementary, was with classmates on a field trip at the Sedgwick County Zoo when, around 1:15 p.m., witnesses said, he "went over a railing" and approached the Amur leopard exhibit, said Lt. Jay McLaurian of the county sheriff's department.
First of all, that sentence is just freakin’ awful. I seriously think I’m going to go into convulsions after reading that – it’s the written equivalent of a strobe light.

Second … “went over a railing.” That just leads to way too many questions. Did he think it was a good idea to go over it willingly? Was he pushed? Was he leaning too far and just fell?

Then again, you know, perhaps he said, “Hey y’all, watch this,” right beforehand. It would be fitting.

The leopard was able to reach into the mesh covering of its enclosure and grab the boy by his head, McLaurian said.
Chomp!

I love the phrasing here (read: hate) – the leopard was able to … um, no dumbass, the leopard was not only able to, the leopard did.

The child was rescued by bystanders who rushed in and "beat the animal" away from the boy, officials said. According to McLaurian, the boy received injuries to his face and neck and was taken to a hospital for treatment.
Beat the animal away from the boy? Really? Was it like an angry mob with sticks? Umm, hello, did any of you think that, possibly, maybe, if you pissed that leopard off that you might be next?

He is expected to "be OK," McLaurian said.
What awkward sentence structure. I mean, to put quotes around just “be OK.” But how reassuring that he is expected to be OK, I mean, wouldn’t it suck to be like, “Well, yeah, we got him there, but we don’t expect him to make it through the night.”

The boy, who is 7 years old, was in fair condition Friday afternoon at Via Christi Hospital on St. Francis in Wichita, CNN affiliate KWCH said.
Just fair? He’s expected to be OK but he’s only in fair condition? I would have expected good or stable or something. To me, fair is one step above critical or serious. Well, you know, it is Kansas, what do they know there other than wheat farming?

Students from several Sedgwick County schools were at the zoo on Friday and witnessed the attack, and the school district immediately took steps to notify parents, according to Susan Arensman, spokeswoman for Wichita Schools.
What involved notifying parents? Sending home a letter?

“Dear parents:
Today, while your child was on a field trip to the local zoo, your child may have witnessed various wild animals and an incident of ‘When Animals Attack.’ Be prepared for awkward dinner conversation and possible nightmares. Rest assured, though, the child attacked by a wild animal is in the hospital, in fair condition, and is expected to be OK. No harm, no foul.
Sincerely,
The Wichita City Public School System"

"One of our first-graders was injured by one of the animals," a letter that was sent home to parents whose children attended the same school as the victim read.
Oh, man, that sort of takes the fun out of the previous smart-assed comment. Dammit.

A similar letter was also sent home to parents from other Wichita schools.
Oh, yay, trees killed mercilessly. And how much you want to bet the letter wasn’t even read by 95 percent of the parents. God knows I hardly ever gave papers to my parents unless, of course, their being signed was part of my homework credit or something. Ever the over-achiever, I would always make sure I did that. Yep, loser, I know.

Shortly after the attack, school officials assembled a crisis team to help the students process what happened, and assure them that the victim would be OK, said Arensman.
A crisis team, really? 

"Counselors will also be available on Monday to offer additional help to students," Arensman said.
Counselors. Honestly? Is this really necessary?

“I just can’t concentrate on my math. Every time I look at those numbers, I think of Jimmy – he loved math – and I see his head as a snack for that giant cat. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do math again.”

The zoo was evacuated for a short time after the attack but remained opened after the incident, officials said.
Evacuated? Because a leopard noshed on a kid’s head THROUGH some netting? First of all, the leopard got the snack it so desperately wanted, so I’m sure it wasn’t really a threat with a full belly. In fact, it probably just wanted a nap after that. Second, it’s not like it was free-range, running through the zoo. The story gave no indication it ate through the mesh surrounding it, so I doubt it was a threat to anyone.

Amur leopards, which are listed as an endangered species, can grow to 4 to 6½ feet long and weigh anywhere from 60 to 150 pounds, the zoo's website says. They are native to Far Eastern Russia and northern China.
Wait, they are an endangered species – isn’t beating an animal on the endangered species list  a crime? Uh oh, look out – you guys may have saved that kid, but committed a crime in the process. Last I knew, seven-year-olds were not an endangered species … I’m just saying. (Okay, it was a joke, relax.)

Follow-up to the great adventure involving doctors, delinquents and cops from yesterday

“She’s a lot more calm than most.” – the cop, talking to Scott, about me

I love this, because the irony in the quote cracks me up. Where was I when they had this conversation? I was in the back getting a shot in my ass (literally) of Torodol to combat the migraine I had just developed. Which is why Scott’s response was, “She just internalizes.”

I asked the doctor to give me something, a sample of Maxalt laying around the office, a shot, I didn’t care. The nurse is like, “Do you want us to just call you something in?” I was like, “Umm, I have Maxalt at home. I just don’t have a way to get it!” Held hostage at the doctor’s office! However, seeing as how I was able to get the “good” meds as a result, I was held hostage in the best place possible.

Alright, well, here are a few of the most commonly asked questions I've received...

So, did you get your stuff back?

Well, the day of, we found my nook case and wristlet at the bottom of a drainage pipe, both empty.

The cards and the car keys were never recovered. The Nook, however, has been returned to me.

I got a call from the cop at 8 a.m., telling me he has the Nook back. He also told me the story went that the grandma told her thieving granddaughter to give it to her so she could turn it over to the police. Thieving granddaughter refuses. Grandma has to pay thieving granddaughter $100 before she will hand over the Nook, whereupon grandma gives it to the police.

Which leads into … do you believe that story?

Hell no I don’t believe it. Nor does the cop. But what are you going to do?

Of course, I told him (and he agrees), that grandma shouldn’t have forked over the money, should have let thieving  bitch rot in jail. Who the hell holds their grandmother captive for $100 to DO THE RIGHT THING? The cops obviously KNEW she did it, they could very easily find her and retrieve it from her, while also hauling her to Scott County Detention Center – so, yeah … apparently I don’t understand what runs through peoples’ minds sometimes. (Apparently grandma was doing everything in her power to keep her granddaughter from going to jail. Uhh… yeah, no. Let her go. Yeah, you might have to be in charge of her bratty kids while she’s doing time, is that what your problem is?)

Did I press charges?

Given the fact my Nook was returned, he asked if I still wanted to press charges. I would like to see this dumbass bitch go to jail, but not enough to go through the mental anguish of pressing charges over a $200 piece of technology. It’s just not worth it. (Now, had something happened to my car – I’d be screaming something different. And something very well still could happen to my car, and my mind will change very quickly.)

Why am I so laid back about this? In the end, she’ll get judged – by her family, by anyone who faces her again at that office (believe me, none of them took well to this, they won’t like seeing her again), and by whatever deity she believes in. She’ll get hers somewhere along the line. I don’t need to be the first lining up to seek justice. More than anything, you have to feel sorry for her kids, who are growing up with this type of trash as a role model. Wow.

What did my mom have to say?

God love my mother, who lacks compassion (I inherited that, though not quite to her level – though, I admit, there are times she’s compassionate and I wouldn’t be) asks me, “And what did we learn from this?”

*pause*

“To always pick your stuff up and take it with you.”

Thanks Mom. Love you!

She’s got a point, I should have taken my stuff with me. But I was going to a desk not 20 feet away. I didn’t really think it was an issue. I had a couple other people talk to me later and they were like, “I would have done the same thing.”

Why are you selling the Nook?

So, we found the awesome Nook case at the bottom of the ditch. The Nook was returned this morning. But I have decided – and Scott backs me up on this – that I’m going to sell it. I know what you’re asking, why? After all, the Nook still works.

WELL … the most disheartening thing about the Nook case was the fact that it’s at the bottom of the pipe, face down (which means the picture of my kiddo is face down in the mud). I mean, granted, it’s just a “thing” and is not my child, it still sucks. When I think of it, the only vision I have is that Nook case face down in the mud. Therefore, I will be replacing it, as opposed to cleaning it and keeping it. Yes, I’m crazy, I’m aware most of you don’t get it, but that’s okay.

As far as the Nook is concerned – I have already had it blacklisted from my account. Basically, no more book purchases can be made from that serial number by my account. So, I have to essentially start over anyway. Plus, I don’t know what this bitch intended to do – read what I had on there, sell it (I would have thought she would have already pawned it to be honest), or take it in a field and beat it with a baseball bat thinking, “Take that white girl I don’t know.” I don’t know. Nor do I want to know. But just like my case, it’s tainted. It’s just not the same. Nothing is wrong with it, it still works. I just don’t want it. So I’ll sell it to someone who does and go get a replacement.

Side note, we had a debate over upgrading to a Nook color or replacing it with itself, and I’m leaning in the direction of sticking with the tried-but-true e-ink version. After all, I can always read on my phone too, and I don’t need the same basic back-lit interface on both devices. Defeats the purpose.

I don’t expect everyone to get my desire to replace my Nook. That’s okay. Just don’t judge me for it. Thank God for being employed and having the ability to make this decision.

What was in your wallet?

My wallet was simply a Vera Bradley wristlet, it didn’t hold a lot. There were no checks or anything, thank God for that. But it did have: two debit cards (one to each one of my banks), my Kohl’s card, my Maurice’s card (which I JUST GOT the day before), my Bank of America credit card, one of Scott’s credit cards, a Wal-Mart gift card (no worries, it was in-store credit from a return and only had like $12 on it), the key to our room in Disney World, and two Photo Pass cards from Disney.

My license was in my hand, as I needed it to check in, so that’s something. And my phone was with me, otherwise she’d have that too, and then someone might have to hold me back, because taking away my phone is not cool.

What all was on the keys?

My car key and remote, my house key, my mailbox key, the key to Scott’s dad’s Dodge pickup, a key to my old house in Virginia Beach, a ring Scott gave me YEARS ago that I can no longer wear because of the fact it’s bent out of shape because I dropped a car battery on it, a giant blue horse I bought at Keeneland, and all my shopping cards that I have neglected to scan into the app on my phone and I am currently kicking myself for that fact.

Was your car messed with in any way?

No, my car was left alone. Now, that’s not who is to say that it won’t remain that way – after all, my car keys are God knows where (and he’s not telling me at this point) and all someone has to do is wander a parking lot hitting the panic button to find it. I do not like the fact that this is a possibility. I mean, what are the odds this moron will find my car in the parking lot at work in Lexington? Slim. However, you know, it is also seen all over Georgetown. I think we will be using Scott’s car more regularly until my keys are returned to me.

What are you grateful for in all of this?

There are actually a lot of things I’m grateful for…

I *think*the Photo Passes expire after 30 days, so the pictures shouldn’t be online. So, assuming she’s smart enough, she shouldn’t be able to get online to see “Ohh, what this poor sap look like, and her family and how can I torment them more?”

That I have a job, and we have enough money that I can replace my Nook. That Scott’s understanding enough of my crazy delusions to let me do that, no questions asked.

That Jocelyn wasn’t with me. Who is to say that this would have happened if she was there? (Probably still, she would have taken off to play somewhere.) But I would not have been near as calm and collected as I was if I had to deal with her too. Plus, I’d totally be in protective mama mode, so who knows what would have come out of my mouth in that mode. (Of course, it is food for thought to think that, had I had her with me, I wouldn’t have had my Nook. Wallet still probably would have gone missing.)

I’m grateful there were witnesses. Even if the cop didn’t get to talk to them until this chick managed to skip off, at least people saw her and that’s why we were able to recover what we did.

I’m grateful the grandma is pissed. Good. There are times the wrath of grandma/mom is worse than anything you may get in a court of law.

I’m grateful I took my phone up to the counter with me (as I was waiting on a text with the insurance cards in it). Otherwise this bitch would have my phone too. You know I wouldn’t be getting that back. That’s worth more than the Nook.

I’m grateful it happened at the doctor’s office, so when the migraine hit, I was able to get meds for it.

I’m grateful we had an extra set of keys. (Even if Scott didn’t, I had the valet key at the house, so the car could have been driven home regardless.) Like hell I would have left it.

I’m grateful I was able to remain calm and collected and not flip out. Had I turned into a total bitch, I’m sure the cop would have been less likely to help me. I mean, yeah, it’s his job, but he could be an asshole to me, cops like to play those mental games with people. I’ve seen it happen.

I’m grateful that my husband bought me pizza for dinner and a huge chocolate bar. Comfort food. Yum. (Side note, I have not eaten the huge chocolate bar yet.)

Oh, that if I *did* end up having to press charges (read: something DOES end up happening to my car), I have plenty of lawyer friends to call. The most likely candidate - Brady. Because he would so love this one. (Come on, Scott, tell me you disagree!)

What’s the biggest pain in the ass right now?

One – I just got the remote for my car fixed two weeks ago. TWO WEEKS AGO! It cost $80. And what good did that serve me? To make it easier to find my car for this bitch? I half wish I hadn’t done it yet so she could walk right by my car and never know because the old remote didn’t work.

Two – I still worry about her finding my car. Calm and collected will go out the window. I am so close to getting it paid off - don't think I won't be pissed beyond belief if my car gets messed up right as I get it paid off. Heaven help her.

Three  – I had to cancel all my cards. Until the new debit cards come in, I have no way to pay for anything. Sigh.And once they do come in, I have to set up all my automatic bill pay that used my debit cards (like the Sprint bill and the alarm system, etc.).

Four – I just, out-and-out, feel violated. I mean, of all the places in all the world, a doctor’s office? I mean, come on, I’m obviously there because I’m sick (sinus infection, thankyouverymuch), and you want to go add insult to injury? Fuck you. I hope you get violated and see how much you like it.

Let’s see if I can make an analogy. My mom’s car was stolen. It was recovered and fixed. The day after we got it back, my mom traded it in. She said it didn’t drive right. She’s probably right, it didn’t, not after that much damage was fixed. But at the same time, do you really think you’d want to drive a car that two teenage brats decided to take for a joyride? God knows I wouldn’t – it just wouldn’t be the same, whether they wrecked it and it was repaired, or it turns out they were the best drivers in the world. It’s just the fact that someone, who wasn’t you, took your stuff as their own. (And threw a picture of your daughter down a drain pipe, to boot.)

Follow-up to the great adventure involving doctors, delinquents and cops from yesterday

“She’s a lot more calm than most.” – the cop, talking to Scott, about me

I love this, because the irony in the quote cracks me up. Where was I when they had this conversation? I was in the back getting a shot in my ass (literally) of Torodol to combat the migraine I had just developed. Which is why Scott’s response was, “She just internalizes.”

I asked the doctor to give me something, a sample of Maxalt laying around the office, a shot, I didn’t care. The nurse is like, “Do you want us to just call you something in?” I was like, “Umm, I have Maxalt at home. I just don’t have a way to get it!” Held hostage at the doctor’s office! However, seeing as how I was able to get the “good” meds as a result, I was held hostage in the best place possible.

Alright, well, here are a few of the most commonly asked questions I've received...

So, did you get your stuff back?

Well, the day of, we found my nook case and wristlet at the bottom of a drainage pipe, both empty.

The cards and the car keys were never recovered. The Nook, however, has been returned to me.

I got a call from the cop at 8 a.m., telling me he has the Nook back. He also told me the story went that the grandma told her thieving granddaughter to give it to her so she could turn it over to the police. Thieving granddaughter refuses. Grandma has to pay thieving granddaughter $100 before she will hand over the Nook, whereupon grandma gives it to the police.

Which leads into … do you believe that story?

Hell no I don’t believe it. Nor does the cop. But what are you going to do?

Of course, I told him (and he agrees), that grandma shouldn’t have forked over the money, should have let thieving  bitch rot in jail. Who the hell holds their grandmother captive for $100 to DO THE RIGHT THING? The cops obviously KNEW she did it, they could very easily find her and retrieve it from her, while also hauling her to Scott County Detention Center – so, yeah … apparently I don’t understand what runs through peoples’ minds sometimes. (Apparently grandma was doing everything in her power to keep her granddaughter from going to jail. Uhh… yeah, no. Let her go. Yeah, you might have to be in charge of her bratty kids while she’s doing time, is that what your problem is?

Did I press charges?

Given the fact my Nook was returned, he asked if I still wanted to press charges. I would like to see this dumbass bitch go to jail, but not enough to go through the mental anguish of pressing charges over a $200 piece of technology. It’s just not worth it. (Now, had something happened to my car – I’d be screaming something different. And something very well still could happen to my car, and my mind will change very quickly.)

Why am I so laid back about this? In the end, she’ll get judged – by her family, by anyone who faces her again at that office (believe me, none of them took well to this, they won’t like seeing her again), and by whatever deity she believes in. She’ll get hers somewhere along the line. I don’t need to be the first lining up to seek justice. More than anything, you have to feel sorry for her kids, who are growing up with this type of trash as a role model. Wow.

What did my mom have to say?

God love my mother, who lacks compassion (I inherited that, though not quite to her level – though, I admit, there are times she’s compassionate and I wouldn’t be) asks me, “And what did we learn from this?”

*pause*

“To always pick your stuff up and take it with you.”

Thanks Mom. Love you!

She’s got a point, I should have taken my stuff with me. But I was going to a desk not 20 feet away. I didn’t really think it was an issue. I had a couple other people talk to me later and they were like, “I would have done the same thing.”

Why are you selling the Nook?

So, we found the awesome Nook case at the bottom of the ditch. The Nook was returned this morning. But I have decided – and Scott backs me up on this – that I’m going to sell it. I know what you’re asking, why? After all, the Nook still works.

WELL … the most disheartening thing about the Nook case was the fact that it’s at the bottom of the pipe, face down (which means the picture of my kiddo is face down in the mud). I mean, granted, it’s just a “thing” and is not my child, it still sucks. When I think of it, the only vision I have is that Nook case face down in the mud. Therefore, I will be replacing it, as opposed to cleaning it and keeping it. Yes, I’m crazy, I’m aware most of you don’t get it, but that’s okay.

As far as the Nook is concerned – I have already had it blacklisted from my account. Basically, no more book purchases can be made from that serial number by my account. So, I have to essentially start over anyway. Plus, I don’t know what this bitch intended to do – read what I had on there, sell it (I would have thought she would have already pawned it to be honest), or take it in a field and beat it with a baseball bat thinking, “Take that white girl I don’t know.” I don’t know. Nor do I want to know. But just like my case, it’s tainted. It’s just not the same. Nothing is wrong with it, it still works. I just don’t want it. So I’ll sell it to someone who does and go get a replacement.

Side note, we had a debate over upgrading to a Nook color or replacing it with itself, and I’m leaning in the direction of sticking with the tried-but-true e-ink version. After all, I can always read on my phone too, and I don’t need the same basic back-lit interface on both devices. Defeats the purpose.

I don’t expect everyone to get my desire to replace my Nook. That’s okay. Just don’t judge me for it. Thank God for being employed and having the ability to make this decision.

What was in your wallet?

My wallet was simply a Vera Bradley wristlet, it didn’t hold a lot. There were no checks or anything, thank God for that. But it did have: two debit cards (one to each one of my banks), my Kohl’s card, my Maurice’s card (which I JUST GOT the day before), my Bank of America credit card, one of Scott’s credit cards, a Wal-Mart gift card (no worries, it was in-store credit from a return and only had like $12 on it), the key to our room in Disney World, and two Photo Pass cards from Disney.

My license was in my hand, as I needed it to check in, so that’s something. And my phone was with me, otherwise she’d have that too, and then someone might have to hold me back, because taking away my phone is not cool.

What all was on the keys?

My car key and remote, my house key, my mailbox key, the key to Scott’s dad’s Dodge pickup, a key to my old house in Virginia Beach, a ring Scott gave me YEARS ago that I can no longer wear because of the fact it’s bent out of shape because I dropped a car battery on it, a giant blue horse I bought at Keeneland, and all my shopping cards that I have neglected to scan into the app on my phone and I am currently kicking myself for that fact.

Was your car messed with in any way?

No, my car was left alone. Now, that’s not who is to say that it won’t remain that way – after all, my car keys are God knows where (and he’s not telling me at this point) and all someone has to do is wander a parking lot hitting the panic button to find it. I do not like the fact that this is a possibility. I mean, what are the odds this moron will find my car in the parking lot at work in Lexington? Slim. However, you know, it is also seen all over Georgetown. I think we will be using Scott’s car more regularly until my keys are returned to me.

What are you grateful for in all of this?

There are actually a lot of things I’m grateful for…

I *think*the Photo Passes expire after 30 days, so the pictures shouldn’t be online. So, assuming she’s smart enough, she shouldn’t be able to get online to see “Ohh, what this poor sap look like, and her family and how can I torment them more?”

That I have a job, and we have enough money that I can replace my Nook. That Scott’s understanding enough of my crazy delusions to let me do that, no questions asked.

That Jocelyn wasn’t with me. Who is to say that this would have happened if she was there? (Probably still, she would have taken off to play somewhere.) But I would not have been near as calm and collected as I was if I had to deal with her too. Plus, I’d totally be in protective mama mode, so who knows what would have come out of my mouth in that mode. (Of course, it is food for thought to think that, had I had her with me, I wouldn’t have had my Nook. Wallet still probably would have gone missing.)

I’m grateful there were witnesses. Even if the cop didn’t get to talk to them until this chick managed to skip off, at least people saw her and that’s why we were able to recover what we did.

I’m grateful the grandma is pissed. Good. There are times the wrath of grandma/mom is worse than anything you may get in a court of law.

I’m grateful I took my phone up to the counter with me (as I was waiting on a text with the insurance cards in it). Otherwise this bitch would have my phone too. You know I wouldn’t be getting that back. That’s worth more than the Nook.

I’m grateful it happened at the doctor’s office, so when the migraine hit, I was able to get meds for it.

I’m grateful we had an extra set of keys. (Even if Scott didn’t, I had the valet key at the house, so the car could have been driven home regardless.) Like hell I would have left it.

I’m grateful I was able to remain calm and collected and not flip out. Had I turned into a total bitch, I’m sure the cop would have been less likely to help me. I mean, yeah, it’s his job, but he could be an asshole to me, cops like to play those mental games with people. I’ve seen it happen.

I’m grateful that my husband bought me pizza for dinner and a huge chocolate bar. Comfort food. Yum. (Side note, I have not eaten the huge chocolate bar yet.)

Oh, that if I *did* end up having to press charges (read: something DOES end up happening to my car), I have plenty of lawyer friends to call. The most likely candidate - Brady. Because he would so love this one. (Come on, Scott, tell me you disagree!)

What’s the biggest pain in the ass right now?

One – I just got the remote for my car fixed two weeks ago. TWO WEEKS AGO! It cost $80. And what good did that serve me? To make it easier to find my car for this bitch? I half wish I hadn’t done it yet so she could walk right by my car and never know because the old remote didn’t work.

Two – I still worry about her finding my car. Calm and collected will go out the window. I am so close to getting it paid off.

Three  – I had to cancel all my cards. Until the new debit cards come in, I have no way to pay for anything. Sigh.And once they do come in, I have to set up all my automatic bill pay that used my debit cards (like the Sprint bill and the alarm system, etc.).

Four – I just, out-and-out, feel violated. I mean, of all the places in all the world, a doctor’s office? I mean, come on, I’m obviously there because I’m sick (sinus infection, thankyouverymuch), and you want to go add insult to injury? Fuck you. I hope you get violated and see how much you like it.

Let’s see if I can make an analogy. My mom’s car was stolen. It was recovered and fixed. The day after we got it back, my mom traded it in. She said it didn’t drive right. She’s probably right, it didn’t, not after that much damage was fixed. But at the same time, do you really think you’d want to drive a car that two teenage brats decided to take for a joyride? God knows I wouldn’t – it just wouldn’t be the same, whether they wrecked it and it was repaired, or it turns out they were the best drivers in the world. It’s just the fact that someone, who wasn’t you, took your stuff as their own. (And threw a picture of your daughter down a drain pipe, to boot.)

The whole story behind the status update of "F$%k me."

Seriously, sometimes you just have to sit back and ask yourself, “why me.” I mean, honestly. I’m a decent person. I think. I hope.

Started coming down with the start of a sinus infection, so I stayed home from work today so I could go to the doctor.

Now, let’s throw this out there – I love my doctor, been seeing her since 2003. On Monday of this week, she left the office she’d been in for about five years for a new office space, affiliated with UK Healthcare. I’ve dealt with the new call center twice this week and I was not happy either time. So, I walked in and saw Susan, the receptionist and immediately said, “I don’t like the new call center,” and she laughed and said, “Nobody does.” Ha! At least it’s not just me.

Due to the new transition, they handed me a giant clipboard full of stuff to fill out. Information I know they’ve had for years, but because it was a new computer system, I had to fill out again. Alright. And I needed my insurance card and photo ID when I returned it.

I go sit down, and set my car keys, Vera Bradley wristlet and my Nook (in it’s very awesome Nook case featuring a picture of my very photogenic daughter) down on the chair next to me and start telling UK Healthcare my name, address, employer, mother’s maiden name, father’s name (what the hell do they need that info for, especially because he’s been dead for a year and a half!), and other information that, I guess, proves I am who I am. I lost my insurance card a couple months ago, so I asked Scott to take a pic of his and text it to me so they could get the information. (Gotta love technology.)

As soon as I’m done signing my name on the line almost as many times as I did in the refinance paperwork, I head up to the desk with my clipboard, license and phone so I can finish checking in. I leave my wristlet, keys and Nook sitting on the chair, as I’m only walking about 20 feet away and am in plain sight of it the whole time.

Well, while I’m in the process of waiting on the girls to get their acts together to take my stuff, I glance over my shoulder. The chair that held my stuff was surprisingly empty. I looked around me, did I carry it to the desk with me and forgot? No. I just, in passing say, “Hey, my wallet’s gone.” Of course, the girls at the desk freak out and start asking questions. I go back to where I was and look all around, nowhere to be found. I ask the older couple that was sitting there, “Wasn’t my stuff right there?” The older man says, “I saw someone who was sitting at the end pick some stuff up.” Nice.

Now I will give you the God’s honest truth, I didn’t pay attention to the person on my left while I was signing my life away to UK Healthcare. So I don’t remember a thing about her, except for the fact it was a female. I couldn’t even tell you if she was black or white.

Apparently the old man immediately pointed to an older black lady on the other side of the divider and said something about how it was her. I know she didn’t move the whole time I was there, and that old woman is going off showing the insides of her purse, cursing, showing off the insides of the purse of the girl with her, etc. I said, “I didn’t accuse anyone, I just noticed my stuff went missing.” She goes, “But he did.”

Well, at that point, my name was called to go back. The office manager says she’ll call the police. I almost looked at her and said, “You know, this really isn’t important enough to get them involved.” But I figured I’d be quiet and let them do their thing. One of the other girls at the desk told me that I was amazingly more calm than I should have been. Eh, what was I going to do?

Renee, my nurse, went to weigh me and I was like, “Do I have to?” She laughed and said, that no, after what just happened, she’d let me out of it. (I got on the scale at home this morning. It was not a nice number. I don’t want to share that number with anyone, especially my doctor.)

So, we go into the room, and she does my BP, which, understandably is high, and we ran through the usual “why are you here,” bit. Then I cracked up laughing and said, “You know what’s really funny? I hope to God the person who took my Nook was a flaming liberal because I had the George W. and Laura Bush books on there.” She found that funny. (As did my doctor when I told her.) Here’s what’s kind of funny, while Renee and I were in there, a lady was out walking in the back and actually waved at us from outside. Renee was kind of confused because she goes, “They aren’t supposed to be able to look in.” Yeah, well, it seemed a bit odd she was back there anyway, but, what are you going to do?

My doctor comes in, and first off offers me a Xanex, which I shrug off. Eh. Stuff happens. We get down to the reason I’m there, which she confirms my suspicions, sinus infection. Yay! As we get ready to leave, I realize my car keys are among the missing items (why it didn’t hit me before then, I do not know).

My doctor gives me a hug as we’re walking down the hall and, once again, offers me a Xanex. I turn her down. Again.

The office manager then takes me to the break room where I’m, essentially, held hostage for about 20 minutes before the cop comes back to talk to me. Why they wouldn’t let me out to make sure my car was still in the parking lot (as was my fear as soon as I realized my keys were MIA), or anything else, was frustrating. But I used that time to text my friends and fill them in on what was going on. And lamented with one of the employees about how “this is Georgetown, this kind of thing isn’t supposed to happen in Georgetown.”

So, the cop finally comes back and talks to me – there’s a few miscommunciations going on – he thought it was a purse, to tell him I had a Vera Bradley wristlet was sort of over his head. When I said I had a Nook, he was just like, “A what?” Once I likened it to a Kindle, he was like, “oh.” He even asked me what it was worth and I told him and he goes, “The same as a Kindle.” Well, yeah. The biggest thing to me about the Nook was the fact I just got a new Nook case, and as such, had a picture of it on my phone, so I could at least show him that.

So, we go out and he wants me to show him where it happened, which I did, and then we went in the back again. This is when he tells me that he’s pretty sure he knows who did it, but he had nothing on her to prove it. He did stop and question her, and searched her car, but couldn’t find anything and she said she had to leave to go get her kid. He said she swore she’d be back. (Guess what, we left two hours later and she hadn’t returned yet. Weird, huh? Yeah, didn’t think so.) He believed her because her grandma was still at the office and she was grandma’s ride. (Side note, Grandma was the older lady who cursed and swore she had nothing to do with it.)

The cop walked me around the building and told me how someone said they saw this woman and her son digging, and burying stuff, in the new landscaping. But he took his baton and sifted through the mulch and came up with nothing. Then we walked a little further and said someone else said they saw this woman with a handful of credit cards – a green one on top – trying to stuff them between the sidewalk and the dirt of the yard. (I laughed and said, “yep, definitely mine, I just put the green card in my wallet this morning .” I just got it. It’s a Maurice’s store credit card.) Then he walked over to the drainage pipe and said they’ve been looking around in it, but it was full of water and had two paths off of it, so if they threw something in there, he didn’t know where it could have gone. There was a horse in a field next to the office and I said, “Hey, the horse saw it, someone go ask him!” The cop laughed and goes, “Yeah, Mr. Ed.”

So, he and I walked around told me that yet ANOTHER witness saw her digging around in the rocks. I looked at him and said, “Well, we saw her outside the window while I was back to see the doctor and she waved at us.” He goes, “Weird.” Of course she waved. The only other thing she could have done that was more appropriate was flick me off.

So, we saw another drainage pipe, but there was nothing down there. There was a third one, and he shines his flashlight and goes, “Hey, do you know what that is?” Down at the bottom of the drainage pipe was my Nook case. Face down, but I knew it was my Nook case. It was a little too deep for him to get to the bottom, but luckily there were builders working on a building next door who helped us fish it out. (No, they didn’t see anything, so they were no real help as far as that’s concerned.) They fished it out, and my beautiful Nook case, featuring my gorgeous daughter, is now covered in mud, is wet, and is (unsurprisingly) empty. My wristlet was down there – also empty. Car keys still missing. Of course.

Two office workers, the cop, and I traipse around the field behind the office looking for the keys, thinking they could have been tossed out there, but the fact is, if they were, there wasn’t a shot in hell we’d find them. (Which, let’s throw this one out there – it would have been really easy to find my car. Hit the panic button and see which one went off. But she apparently didn’t do that, because everything in my car was untouched. And she best be grateful cause if she stole – or messed with my car in any way – I would be ready to kill.)

So, after all that, and after I talk to Scott and he’s on his way to come get me (because, after all, I can’t take my car anywhere without keys – but he’s got a spare key, so it’s not like we couldn’t get the car home – so nah, nah on that bitch who thought she might be able to steal my car later). I head back into the office to give them the insurance card that finally came through e-mail, and ask if the doctor would be willing to give me something for my migraine. Walk in with a sinus infection, walk out with a migraine. Woohoo! (They did end up giving me a shot of Torodol, God love them.)

Afterwards, the police officer informs me he does know who did it, he’s got enough on her, and knows she’s on probation. He said that, if the items are not returned to him by 8 a.m. tomorrow, he’s got enough for a warrant, if nothing else, but he assured me she would be going to jail. Woohoo.

He even told Scott while I was in the back getting my shot that I was a lot calmer than most. Scott told him it wasn’t that, but that I internalize stuff. Yeah, I do. But honestly, what good would it have done me to start pointing fingers and flip out? It’s just stuff. In reality, I’ll get a new Nook – I’ve cancelled all the credit/debit cards that were in my wallet – the only thing I’m even remotely pissed about at this point is a) my beautiful Nook case is now tainted and b) I WANT MY CAR KEYS! I just got the remote working a week and a half ago, dammit!

So, now I just sit back to wait to hear from the cop tomorrow.

It is important to note, when we left, the grandma did come up and apologize profusely to me. I said, “This stuff happens.” She goes, “No, not with her.” Um, apparently, yes, with her. I really didn’t know what to say. I mean, what did she want from me? She didn’t take it, she didn’t owe me an apology. Her grandkid’s a fuck-up, not really her fault. The police are involved, and therefore, it’s beyond my control. Did she want me to take pity and say I wasn’t going to let him take her granddaughter in? Not gonna happen. Enjoy the cell, babe. I’ll wave at you from outside.